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A Concise Guide to Pakistan



By Nadeem F. Paracha

October 24, 2013

Officially called the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, it is a country in South Asia bordering the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, the Islamic Republic of Iran, the People’s Republic of China and the Bollywood Republic of Hindustan. In the north, it also shares a dubious border with the mountainous and scenic United Extreme Emirates of Waziristan – a favourite tourist resort.

Pakistan has a moderate climate most of the year, but extremes can be found in the north where summers can get terribly hot due to the counter-monsoon winds called the Wrath of God, blowing in from the United Emirates of Waziristan. Men in the north are known to grow long and thick facial and scalp hair to protect themselves from these winds, whereas the women wear long head-to-toe sheets of cloth for the same purpose. Sometimes tanks, trucks and barbed wire are also used to counter these winds, even though some politicians advise dialogue to lessen the harmful effects of the wind. Many people find this strange, asking how one can have a dialogue with a gust of wind. But since the climate around the country’s politicians’ is usually composed of hot air, it is believed that this hot air can very well neutralise the extreme winds. This theory has been endorsed by Pakistan’s only Nobel Prize winner, Dr. Sir Ishaqullah Newton.

The People and Faith

Pakistan is a multi-ethnic and multicultural society, where 103 per cent of the population is Muslim, while the rest are animals. So, in case of a medical emergency, the non-Muslims are advised to visit a vet instead of a doctor. The 103 per cent Muslims are broken up into various sects, with each sect claiming their version of faith being 104 per cent correct and other interpreters being 107 per cent wrong and thus deserving excommunication.

The Pakistani society is generally conservative, but tiny pockets of liberalism can be found in posh, urban drawing-room theme parks. The themes of these parks can range from “Little Milan,” “Small Beverly Hills,” “Tiny London” and “Cleaner Bombay.” Non-English-speaking Pakistanis may struggle in these theme parks. Only English is spoken here, preferably in an odd American accent. However, one can visit a vet and get his or her jaw readjusted to be able to speak accented English in these theme parks.

Pakistan is composed of four to five to six to four ethnic groups. The largest group resides in central Pakistan and is called Maula Jats. The second largest resides in the south and is called the Bhuttos. The third largest resides in the north and is called Inteha Pasand. The smallest ethnic group can be found in the West and are called Sui Gas.

The Main Ethnic Groups of Pakistan:

There are two more ethnic groups. The first one mostly resides in Karachi and is called the Martians. The other one resides in South Punjab and is called Nothing. Both are not officially recognised because people who divided Pakistan into four provinces couldn’t count beyond the number 4.

The male-female ratio of the population is 50-50, even though, according to local tradition in the north, women do not exist. Only men and goats. Certain NGOs operating in the north want to change this perception and the locals have agreed only if the government of Pakistan declared women to be satanic abominations engineered by Hindu Fanatics, Christian Crusaders, Wily Jews and Hamid Karzai.

The Culture

The main plank of culture in Pakistan is asking, “What is the culture of Pakistan?” But if you believe in the official history text books taught at local schools, the culture of Pakistan is very Islamic, very pro-army, very anti-India, and had it not been for some malicious Hindu historians distorting history, Pakistanis would have been known for their true cultural and genetic origins: i.e. Arabic!

That’s why most Pakistanis behave as if they all arrived from ancient Arabic kingdoms and had nothing to do with South Asia. They were the true Aryans until the British came and started to build railroads. Of course, this doesn’t make much sense, but who cares; as long as one is an Aryan and is genetically connected to the Arab conqueror Bin Qasim and his favourite cook.

The Politics

Pakistan is a feudal fiefdom, jokingly called a republic. The most democratic sections of the country are the army and the fat feudal lords. Also very democratic are members of the clergy and the bureaucracy. The most undemocratic and tyrannical are the country’s common people who do not appreciate the feudals’, the army’s and the clergy’s vision, passion and efforts for a progressive, democratic and rich Pakistan.

This is because the common people choose to remain illiterate and prefer to watch a Shahrukh Khan flick instead of reading their official history books that clearly state that had Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb created Pakistan in 1747 AD, the people of Pakistan would have gladly watched reruns of Ziaul Haq speeches instead of Shahrukh Khan films and there would have been much joy and happiness and love and understanding, and no India and no America; just Pakistan and Saudi Arabia and Yemen and Imran Khan and McDonalds. Of course, this doesn’t make much sense, but who cares when you have Oreo Maqbool Biscuit to keep you entertained.

How to Get To Pakistan

You can reach Pakistan without a visa by either sneaking in from the Afghan border in the north or getting shipwrecked in the south!

How to Get Out

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and