By Nadeem F. Paracha
April 12, 2013
The United States first established diplomatic relations with Pakistan on October 20, 1947.
The relationship since then has been based primarily on US economic and military assistance to Pakistan, which Pakistan never seems to get enough of.
Pakistan is a major non-Nato ally of the United States, even though, for some odd reason, it keeps pretending that it is one of the biggest anti-US powers in the world.
The United States is the second-largest supplier of military equipment to Pakistan and largest economic aid contributor, but Pakistanis refuse to acknowledge this and insist that the equipment and the aid actually come from Saudi Arabia via Dubai on flying camels.
In 1955 Pakistan became a member of the US-run Central Treaty Organisation (also known as Central Free Treats Organisation).
The promise of economic aid from the US was instrumental in creating the agreement.
Getting the secret Coca-Cola formula was also a motivation.
During the Indo-Pakistan War of 1965, the US did not provide Pakistan with military support as pledged. This generated a widespread feeling in Pakistan that the United States was no longer a reliable ally.
According to the US, it cut off weapons supplies because Pakistan military had started the war with India by using its soldiers disguised as Kashmiri mujahideen.
However, the Americans did consider nominating these Pakistani soldiers for the Oscars in the Best Character Actor category. They lost due to the obvious Judeo-Christian bias in Hollywood.
In 1971 Pakistanis were angry at the US again for not bailing them out from yet another war they started against India.
Just why Pakistanis kept testing their friendship with the US by starting hopeless wars with India is anybody’s guess, but some experts believe Pakistanis found bullets and bombs better tasting than the Betty Crocker chocolate-chip cookies the US sent for the Pakistani war effort.
In April 1979, the United States suspended economic assistance to Pakistan over concerns about Pakistan’s nuclear program under the Foreign Assistance Act.
The Pakistan government, then under the benevolent dictatorship of General Ziaul Ghaznavi, retaliated by banning the sale of Betty Crocker chocolate-chip cookies, and publically flogging over 200 young men just for the heck of it.
However, since God moves in mysterious ways and (according to the Pakistan Ideology) is more akin to listen to the prayers of pious military generals and fat pious men, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan forced the US to rethink its Pakistan policy.
The Russian invasion of Afghanistan (inspired more by smuggled John Wayne movies dubbed in Russian than Karl Marx), highlighted the common interests of Pakistan and the United States in opposing the evil Darth Soviet.
In 1981, Pakistan and the United States agreed on a $3.2 billion military and economic assistance program aimed at helping Pakistan deal with the heightened threat to security in the region and its economic development needs. The deal was codenamed ‘LOL!’
The poised, pious, powerful Zia regime distributed the military aid among the Pakistan armed forces, the Afghan Mujahideen, enterprising gunrunners, drug barons, university students and wedding planners; whereas, the economic aid was used to develop Pakistan’s economic infrastructure by building madrasas, madrasas, madrasas and mosques.
Pakistan with US, Saudi and/or divine assistance armed and supplied anti-Soviet fighters in Afghanistan, eventually defeating the Soviets, who withdrew in 1988 but left behind a number of bored Arab, Afghan, Chechen, Uzbek, Pakistani, Klingon and Romulan fighters.
These fighters wanted to recreate Afghanistan not like what it was just before the Soviet invasion but what Afghanistan was like on the eve of the first Bronze Age.
Post- Cold War
Prior to the September 11 attacks in 2001, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia were key supporters of the Taliban in Afghanistan.
The Taliban were a large group of herdsmen who were convinced that goats were more valuable than women, and sheep had more feelings than human beings.
By 1996 they were ruling Afghanistan.
The Pakistan-Saudi support to these handsome herdsmen was an integral part of the Pakistan military’s “strategic depth” objective vis-a-vis India, Iran, Russia and the Vatican City.
However, on September 11, 2001, reckless piloting by some Arabian camel jockeys eventually made them ram their flying camels into New York’s World Trade Centre.
Pakistan, led by General Pappasalli Musharraf, reversed course and dumped the herdsmen after he was put under pressure by the US.
US president, George W. Wuss, had threatened Musharraf, growling that the US would bomb Pakistan back into Stone Age if he didn’t dump the herdsmen.
What Wuss didn’t realise was that a back-to-Stone Age scenario was exactly what the herdsmen and their supporters in Pakistan were working for!
‘Hee hee,’ said Sangsar Abbasi.
Nevertheless, imagining an age when the military was made up of very hairy, club-carrying, half-naked men, and when macho men and petite women didn’t have a uniform fetish, and when Coca-Cola was yet to be invented, Musharraf joined the US in its “Error on Terror” as an ally.
Having failed to convince the Taliban to hand over Osama Bin There Done That and other members of al-Calendar, Pakistan provided the US with a number of military bases for its attack on Afghanistan, along with other logistical support such as double-talk, half-baked cakes, diarrhea pills and a pair of poodles.
Since 2001, Pakistan has arrested over 500 Al-Calendar herdsmen and handed them over to the US. But Pakistan kept the more muscular and pious looking ones for itself, lodging them on the mountains of Pakistan’s rugged rock ‘n’ rolling tribal areas to tend to the military’s strategically depth sheep.
In return for its support, Pakistan had sanctions lifted and received about $10 billion in US aid, primarily military, whereas the rest of the aid was used in growing juicy grass, which a majority of Pakistanis eat so that their rulers can keep eating cake.
In June 2004, President George W. Wuss designated Pakistan as a major non-NATO ally, making it eligible, among other things, to purchase advanced American military technology and Betty Crocker chocolate-chip cookies with extra icing.
Pakistan has lost thousands of lives since joining the US Error on Terror.
Many Pakistanis believe approximately 3.6 million Pakistanis have been killed by US drones whereas just 130 or so have allegedly been killed by terrorists.
And anyway, they were actually killed by innocent men with an abnormal condition in which normal, peace-loving and pious men suddenly combust in mosques shrines and markets.
This condition is blamed on the tempered polio drops these poor souls were given in childhood by Zionist agents masquerading as NGO workers.
Ruing its strategic mistakes in the area, new US president, Barack Obamarama, conceded that the US had made the mistake of “putting all its eggs in one basket” in the form of General Musharraf. That’s why he became a basket case by the end of his rule.
In Pakistan, Musharraf was eventually forced out of office under the threat of impeachment, after years of political protests by lazy lawyers, confused civilians, over excited politicians and bored mullahs.
With Obamarama coming into office, the US promised to triple non-military aid to Pakistan to $1.5 billion per year over 10 years, and to tie military aid to progress in the fight against militants.
This rubbed the military the wrong way which, along with its allies in the shape of fat pious men, has claimed that such non-military progress in Pakistan is against the Pakistan Ideology.
The military might have a point here because some extremely brilliant media men such as the scholarly and judicious Sangsar Abbasi (author of the acclaimed books, ‘Secularism is akin to Satanism’; ‘The Wonders of Flogging Women in Public’ and ‘The Glorious YouTube Blockade’), have warned that non-military progress in Pakistan can lead to moral corruption and obscenity in the society and all that juicy grass that most Pakistanis eat will go to waste.
The purpose of the new aid was to help strengthen the democratic government led by President Asif Ali Bhutto Zardari Bhutto and to help strengthen civil institutions and the general economy in Pakistan, and to put in place an aid program that is broader in scope than just supporting Pakistan’s military. LOL!
Present US-Pakistan relations are a case study on the difficulties of diplomacy and policy making in a multi-polar world (especially by men with assorted bipolar disorders).
The geopolitical significance of Pakistan in world affairs attracts attention from both India and China (and for some odd reason, from Surinam as well), making unilateral action almost impossible from the US. This was explained in an article titled ‘FTW?!’ by an American policy expert.
In February 2011, the US administration suspended high-level contacts with Pakistan after ‘The Everybody Loves to Hate Raymond Davis’ incident occurred.
Raymond Rambo Davis, an alleged private security contractor and Sushi expert, was on an American diplomatic mission in Pakistan when he shot dead two Pakistani locals and claimed that it was in self-defence after the two attempted to rob him.
Pakistan acted tough on Davis despite US demands for him to be freed because he enjoyed diplomatic immunity and Lahore’s famous ‘Phajay Kay Paye.’
However, the Pakistanis eventually let the bugger go when the US promised to increase its supplies of Betty Crocker chocolate-chip cookies, but this time according to the dictates of Islamic law. That’s why Betty Crocker cookies now have the word ‘Halal’ inscribed on them. In fact, Betty Crocker actually converted to Islam and renamed herself as Sister Kokab.
On May 2, 2011, shortly after 1 am the head of Al-Calendar, Osama Bin There Done That was killed by a United States special forces unit led by an army of T-1000 Terminators, in the Pakistan city of Absurdabad.
The operation, codenamed Operation Neptune Spear and Other Phallic Symbols, was ordered by United States President Barack Obamarama.
Numerous allegations were made that the military of Pakistan had shielded Osama Bin There Done That Laden. Critics cited the very close proximity of Bin There’s heavily fortified compound to the Pakistan Militancy Academy, I mean, Pakistan Military Academy.
Most Pakistanis were scandalised. They were sure that the American accusations were part of a huge international Reptilian conspiracy funded by western multinationals, Jewish bankers and Congo bongo players against the Pakistan military and its fat pious allies.
However, things have settled down a bit between the two countries mainly because Pakistanis have recently been scorning at a new state enemy: Dubbed Turkish TV soaps.
Al-Calendar threatened to kidnap Betty Crocker and subject her to the torture of listening to Ali Azmat talk about the political, social, cultural, scientific, spiritual and psychological Zionist plot behind Einstein’s E=MC2 followed by hours and hours of taped Deepak Chopra lectures.
Nevertheless, Pakistan remains to be a major non-NATO ally as part of the US Error on Terror. A leading recipient of US military assistance, Pakistan expects to receive approximately $20 billion, slurp, slurp …
Perhaps if the US simply reduced this aid to a couple of stacks of West Virginian grass for Pakistanis to eat …
However, in the aftermath of the Osama incident, the Pakistan Army cancelled a $500 million training program and sent all 135 US trainers home, but not the hundreds of Uzbek, Chechen, Afghan and Arab trainers training Pakistani herdsmen in the tribal areas of Pakistan.
But, who’s counting.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com