By Nadeem F. Paracha
06 February, 2014
As the government of Pakistan finally exhibits some sense and agrees to hold sincere and serious dialogue with various liberation groups struggling to bring a genuine Islamic order and justice under the umbrella of the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP), certain forces have already begun to indulge in violence in a bid to sabotage the talks.
This was already predicted by Imran Khan's PTI when a few days after the prime minister announced the peace initiative, one of PTI's top leaders, Dr Shireen Mazari, warned that some 'third force' will definitely try to upset the government-TTP peace process by engineering terrorist attacks.
Mazari said that a voice in her head had told her this and also to beware of the ides of marshmallows.
It should be recalled that only minutes after PM Sharif offered to hold peace talks with the TTP, a bomb attack downed a number of Rangers in Karachi. What was not reported was that Altaf Hussain had taken responsibility of the attack.
Our correspondent in Karachi confirmed that the authorities have contacted the Scotland Yard and the BBC and asked them to take action against Altaf Hussain.
The same day the BBC also reported that the bomb used against the Rangers was personally made by Altaf Hussain and then smuggled into Pakistan by Dr Farooq Sattar. It was planted near the Rangers vehicle by Faisal Sabzwari.
The Scotland Yard has reassured the Pakistan government that it would seriously look into the matter. It has also decided to take help from one of UK's leading Muslim welfare organisations, the Hizbut Tehrir, in bringing Altaf Hussain to justice.
Our reporter in London adds that Hizbut Tehrir will also be working closely with the BBC in producing a damning documentary against the activities of the MQM in Pakistan, Iraq, Syria and Sudan. Also, maybe Afghanistan.
Two days after the announcement of PM Sharif's peace initiative, the government formed a four-man committee to hold dialogue with the TTP. The TTP enthusiastically welcomed the move, and in excitement nominated Imran Khan as one of the members of their committee.
Imran was greatly humbled by the offer and thanked the TTP for bestowing upon him this honour which Dr Mazari claimed was as good as winning a Nobel Prize.
However, Khan politely refused the offer, citing his busy schedule that includes screening anti-drone films for children, saving endangered elephants, closing down Peshawar so the polio workers in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa could administer polio drops to at least half a dozen kids without getting shot, and tweeting.
The PTI government in the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province has recently come up with some incriminating evidence in connection with the killing of many polio workers in the province. According to a PTI minister, Shah Farman, the polio workers are being targeted by an organisation called the Shakeel Afridi brigade.
Farman recently told this reporter that the organisation is most probably funded by billionaire novelist Salman Rushdie working on the behest of NATO forces in Afghanistan to pressurise the government to release Shakeel Afridi from jail.
Afridi was caught by Pakistani authorities after he had helped the CIA in tracking down Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad. Farman said that in spite of the fact that Osama was not present there and is still alive, Afridi remains a criminal in the eyes of Pakistanis.
When asked where he thinks Osama is at the moment, Farman said Dr Mazari is waiting for the voice in her head to tell her about Osama's whereabouts. He said this while talking to host, Mahira Khan during her weekly TV show, TUC Lighter Side of Life.
After Imran Khan politely expressed his inability to be part of the TTP's dialogue committee, the TTP mulled over two other names: Ansar Abbasi and Orya Maqbool Jan.
Abbasi is a famous TV personality who is often seen and heard on talk shows giving his expert opinion on judicial matters, corruption matters, moral matters and/or matters that really shouldn't matter to him.
Orya is a civil servant who reads a lot of novels written by famous Urdu novelist, Nasim Hijazi, especially those about ancient soldiers on muscular horses killing other ancient soldiers on muscular horses.
Nevertheless, the TTP finally decided to stick to a three-man committee that included some very scary looking people.
But only a day before the two committees were to meet for the first time, a suicide attack near an Imambargah took place. Just as those who oppose the talks began to blame the TTP for the attack, a TV channel interviewed some eyewitnesses who all claimed to have seen a teenage girl in school uniform walking towards the Imambargah seconds before the blast.
'She looked like Malala,' two of the eyewitnesses said.
Then, on the same day, a bomb went off on a railway track in Karachi. It derailed a Lahore-bound train. Here again eyewitnesses claimed to have seen a teenaged girl in a school uniform walking on the track minutes before the explosion.
A leader of the Jamaat-i-Islami told a few reporters that both attacks were planned and executed by a shadowy terrorist organisation called the Malala Education Fund. He said that the government knows this but is keeping it a secret because it doesn't want to upset the United Nations.
When some reporters raised this with Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar, he said he can't comment on it at the moment. But he said the government was looking at two main possibilities. This one and maybe the involvement of the Bangladesh intelligence agency.
One reporter asked the minister about the TTP that has been involved in numerous such attacks, to which Nisar said: 'Please don't jump to any conclusions. The Pakistani people and economy is yet to recover from the shock of the hanging of Abdul Qadir Molla by the Bangladeshi government.'
Two days after the terrible terrorist attacks, observers and government insiders and the voice in Mazari's head is convinced that Malala was behind the blasts.
In fact, some government insiders and a TV anchor say they are now convinced that Malala was behind almost 90 per cent of the terrorist attacks that have taken place in Pakistan ever since 2002.
'The clues are in her book!' A famous TV personality claimed. 'She is working with Bill Gates and Ban Ki Moon and maybe even Misbahul Haq who had tea with her recently in Dubai. The Scotland Yard should really look into this,' he said.
Vocal liberal commentator, Dr Pervez Hoodbhoy, is said to have quietly requested the government to hold a dialogue with Malala.
He said he is ready to talk to her. The government has assured Hoodbhoy that it will look into the matter and is also said to have contacted two of Malala's leading critics to become part of the dialogue committee that the government is planning to set up to talk to Malala.
But both the gentlemen have refused, instead urging the Prime Minister to order aerial bombing by military jets on girls' schools in Swat.
Though the government has decided to keep the Malala factor a secret, those in the know believe that it is vital for the government to act against her and stop her from conducting attacks inside Pakistan if the government-TTP talks are to be successful.
Malala has so far refused to take our calls. Some believe she is already planning her next move and this time it will include a drone because the Americans have given her the control of at least two drones, code named Kamran Akmal and Umer Akmal.
An eyewitness on the outskirts of Peshawar told our reporter that he saw a teenage girl in a school uniform carrying what looked like a Hellfire missile in her school bag. When he asked the girl what is it that she was carrying, she said candy and joyfully skipped away, humming the Israeli national anthem.
DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of satire and fiction.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com