By Harris Bin Munawar
January 07, 2015
New Year is the mother of all scams. It is a meaningless holiday created by the corporate world not just to render your calendar outdated so you have to buy a new one every 12 months, but also to be able to repeat their smaller scams, such as birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Halloween. Falling into the corporate trap, our media has been running reviews on the top events and newsmakers of 2014. In protest, this scribe has compiled a list of the least influential newsmakers of last year, who failed to make any significant impact.
- Malala Yousafzai
The brave young girl from Swat who stood up to the Taliban to defend her right to go to school could not become Pakistan’s first Nobel laureate this year, ending up at the paltry second place. And where are all the schools that she promised to set up? If she knew what kind of hatred our textbooks preach, she would’ve taken a bullet to keep children out of school.
- Bilbo Baggins
Although his people emerged victorious in the Battle of the Five Armies at the end of last year, Bilbo Baggins failed to play a significantly deliberate role in that victory. On most occasions, the 50-year-old appeared only as a helpless bystander, failing to avail several opportunities to become a hero unlike many other burglars we know.
- Bilawal Bhutto’s Speech Writer:
Despite a demonstrable command over rhetoric, the man who wrote Bilawal Bhutto’s speeches ended up angering many and pleasing none. Party insiders say the real reason behind Bilawal’s differences with his father is not his poor pronunciation. Veteran party leaders have sent their young chairman’s speech writer back to the 1960s where he seemed to belong. Bilawal has not made a public appearance since then. Critics believe the only reason Bilawal’s speech writer was worse than Imran Khan’s speech writer was that Imran Khan did not have a speech writer.
- Polio Worker:
For yet another year, the people of Pakistan continued to eliminate those who are trying to eliminate polio. The endangered virus is now under no threat of extinction, and has helped Pakistan earn billions of dollars in aid, none of which were given to the volunteers who run vaccination campaigns.
- Sheikh Rasheed’s Secret Caller:
One seriously irresponsible move was all it would have taken the opposition leader Imran Khan – camping in protest in Islamabad – to topple the government of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, and he still couldn’t do it. When he did make such moves, they were half-hearted. And that is the failure of the anonymous person who would call up Sheikh Rasheed on important occasions and give him ridiculous ideas.
– Man Arguing With Traffic Cop:
His loud references to influential relatives and stern threats regarding the future of the traffic policeman’s career were ignored yet again. The traffic cop refused to budge. Whether a law had been broken or not was a matter of opinion as usual. There was only one matter on which a compromise was not possible: the target of fines assigned to the traffic cop. Blows were exchanged, shirts were ripped off, and calls for back up were made. But in the end, the traffic policeman always won.
For yet another year, young people declined to listen to their parents and continued to do what they felt like with little regard for rules and conventions. According to reports, advice from parents went in one ear and out the other, as children went in one year and out the other.
– This Scribe:
For the seventeenth year in a row, this scribe failed to make a difference with his writings. Despite his principled stance on issues of national importance and his unflinching commitment to the conventions of journalism spanning almost two decades, he was not taken seriously for yet another year. And despite his 3,000 important tweets this year, the number of his Twitter followers continued to hover around seventy.
Harris Bin Munawar has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer. He can be contacted at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter