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Peace Cheese

By Nadeem F. Paracha

Oct. 6th, 2011

Peace is finally at hand. The All Parties Conference (APC) held recently in Islamabad, has come up with a wholly workable resolution regarding Pakistan’s war on terror.

According to the resolution, the political parties and the military want to ‘give peace a chance.’ And they also want to love you yea, yea, yea, and want to hold your haaaand, until they run out of Beatles’ song titles.

The APC was attended by a number of Pakistan’s political parties, including the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP), Pakistan Muslim League-N (PML-N), Pakistan Thereek-i-Insaaf (PTI), Jamat-i-Islami (JI), Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) and Pakistan Military Squad (PMS).

All the parties agreed that in the wake of the accusations being hurled at Pakistan by the US and Afghanistan and the UK and Guatemala, the country’s political and military leadership will remain united in denial, I mean, determination.

To remind those who still need reminding, the United States’ outgoing Joint Chief of Staff, Admiral Arnold Schwarzenegger, accused Pakistan’s intelligence agency, the I&I, of patronising militants belonging to the Islamic telecom company, the Halali Network.

The Pakistan military, the  I&I, and the government of Pakistan (an oxymoron, really), rejected the charges.

Pakistan’s rejection of the accusations was also supported by the country’s electronic media many of whose anchors boycotted McDonald’s Big Mac and McNuggets for lunch for a whole week!

The Halali Network also stepped in and one of its spokespersons while talking to the media from Pakistan’s hilly, arid FARTA area insisted that the Halali Network is not in Pakistan.

He added that he was not talking from FARTA but a place that looks like FARTA.

When asked whether he was speaking from Afghanistan, he said, he was speaking from the Philippines.

When media personnel suggested that the Philippines is a tropical area with lots of forests and not arid like FARTA, the Halali Network spokesperson claimed that US drone attacks have destroyed the forests and that it was because of these attacks and the resultant deforestation in Philippines that there were devastating floods in Pakistan and tsunami in Japan.

Pakistan’s leading Islamic scholar, date palm farmer and hunk, Aamir Liaquat, agreed and that was that.

The spokesperson then went on to mimic the sound of a tropical bird and claimed that it wasn’t him but a real bird that made that sound. He said this was proof that he was speaking from the jungles of the Philippines. Pakistan’s famous former-disco-queen-turned-drama-queen WearTear Bukhari agreed and that was that.

Meanwhile in Islamabad, the APC resolved that Pakistan needed a new strategy in its war on terror and that peace be given a chance and talks be held with the militants.

Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Mummy in his speech at the APC asked, ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ While the army chief, General Parvez Mommy, asked, ‘what came first: the chicken or the egg?’ PTI leader, Dharna Khan, suggested that one should not count their chickens before they’re hatched, as PML-N chief, Naraaz Sharif said, ‘chickens are coming home to roost,’ whereas JI leader, Dr. Thunder Munawar Squad, asked where’s his chicken tikka.

In the end all the 2,019 delegates from 79 political parties worded the resolution together and that went something like this: ‘Puck, puck, puck, pukaaak!’

 When asked by an excited media to interpret the simple but enigmatic words in the resolution, the prime minister said that it means that we are now ready to talk peace with the militants.

 ‘You mean you guys are going chicken on them?’ asked a journalist, quite possibly someone on the payroll of the CIA.

 ‘No!’ insisted the PM. And then suddenly, all 2,019 delegates broke into a melodious collective chorus: ‘All we are saaayying, to give peace a chaaance, all we are saaaaying is to give peace a chaaaance …’

When there was a rumbling noise outside the building, a ghiratmand journalist suggested that it might be a drone attack or an earthquake caused by our sins and US experiments in Antarctica.

‘Naaa …!’ Said another journalist, possibly a Freemason. ‘Most probably it’s just John Lennon rolling in his grave.’

The government and the military, (though we still do not know who is what and what is which), decided to form a peace committee that would take part in the peace talks with the militants.

Those selected for the committee are: Former interior minister and PPP man, Zulfikar Motormouth Mirza; Punjab’s law minister and PML-N man, Sipah-i-Rana-i-Sannaullah; PTI chief, Dharna Khan; I&I chief, Inspector Suja Clouseau; TV anchor WearTear Bokhari; televangelist, Zakir Naak … and Meera.

We are proud to be the first news outlet to bring to you the text of the first meeting of the peace committee with the Halali Network spokesperson:

Halali spokesperson: Welcome, welcome gentlemans, welcome to the Philippines.

Motormouth Mirza: Philippines? I can place the holy book on my head and say that this is not Philippines but FARTA!

Halali spokesperson: Are you suggesting I am a liar?

Motormouth Mirza: No, I am suggesting that you should join the MQM.

Halali spokesperson: What is MQM?

Motormouth Mirza: They are terrorists in Karachi!

Halali spokesperson: Are you suggesting I am a terrorist?

Motormouth Mirza: No, of course not. You are a peace loving man like me. By the way, I have the same gun as yours. I can give you a license for it, only for Rs. 200,000!

Meera: Uff, what I do here? Feeling chakar and vomity like.

Halali spokesperson: Who is he?

Meera: I no he, I she. You know wo-maan. Wo-maan not have beard like man. You have big, big beard, like Santa Clout.

Halali spokesperson: Wo-maan? What is that? God only made man.

Meera: Then where you come from? Don’t you have ami?

Halali spokesperson: You are strange creature. We only have goats in FARTA, I mean, Philippines.

Meera: So you come from goats?

Halali spokesperson: What you call wo-maans, our elders say we should hide them. Those who don’t hide we flog them. But I personally like blowing them up.

Meera: How uncivilisation man you are like. Bumming goats.

Sipah-i-Rana-i-Sannaullah: Acha Meera bibi, we have come here for more important business. If he thinks wo-maans are goats, then we should respect that. If he wants to flog them then we should respect that too. If he wants to bum them, then that’s none of our business. Our business is … errm … what is our business here?

Halali spokesperson: You want to give peace a chance.

Sipah-i-Rana-i-Sannaullah: Yes. That’s it. We want to give peace a chance. So let’s be peaceful, okay brother?

Halali spokesperson: You do not have a beard.

Sipah-i-Rana-i-Sannaullah: It’s in my suitcase, I mean, stomach, I mean …

Halali spokesperson: Why you don’t have beard? All faithful men should have big beards.

Meera: But I not have beard too.

Sipah-i-Rana-i-Sannaullah: Because you are a goat!

Halali spokesperson: No, but goats have beards too.

Meera: What? You want beards on wo-maans too?

Halali spokesperson:  There are no wo-maans, only mans and goats.

Meera: Nonsensical uncivilisation mountain man! We have one more wo-maan here. Come talk to this barbaranian please, WearTear Bukhari.

WearTear Bukhari: No Meera jee, Halali Network bhai is right. I am ashamed that I do not have a beard. Bhai Halali, baaaaa!

Halali spokesperson: Wah! Now this is real wo-maaan. But unfortunately, I will have to flog you.

Meera: You uncivilisation mountain bear, why you have flog to sister WearTear?

WearTear Bukhari: No, Meera jee, he is right. I am not wearing a burqa and talking to a male stranger without being accompanied by a male relative, the stronger gender. Go on, Halali bhai, flog me, flog me, for the sake of peace, flog me! Baaaaa!

Dharna Khan: So much corruption, no governance, no law, all fraud and …

Sipah-i-Rana-i-Sannaullah: Abay Dharna, you are in the mountains, not on TV!

Dharna Khan: Oh, right. Sorry about that. Yes, so let’s kiss and make out, errm, up. I have been saying this all along. We need to make peace with the freedom fighters …

Motormouth Mirza: Terrorists!

Dharna Khan: What? Oh, right. Of course. So we have to make peace with the liberation fighters, the mujahids, the saints, the angels …

Hilali spokesperson: Who on earth is this man?

WearTear Bukhari: Don’t you know him? He’s the great Dharna Khan. Baaaa.

Hilali spokesperson: I see. Thanks for the praise brother, but I’m afraid I’ll have to flog you too.

Dharna Khan: What? Why?

Hilali spokesperson: You do not have a beard either.

Dharna Khan: *Gulp!* Errm … it’s age, y’know. My hair is falling.

Hilali spokesperson: You are lying!

Dharna Khan: I’ll burn Nato tankers for you, just don’t flog me. God, why am I not on TV. Please God, I want to go back on TV, TV, I want my TV, I …!

Inspector Suja Clouseau: Take a hold of yourself, Dharna. You’re the next PM, remember?

Dharna Khan: Oh, right. Yes, of course. Sorry.

Hilali spokesperson: Ah, brother Suja. Finally someone I recognise.

Inspector Suja Clouseau: Sorry, but I’m not him. Just like this is not FARTA.

Hilali spokesperson: Ha! So now you want to make peace with us? But weren’t we always at peace with you? So what is this drama?

Zakir Naak: Brother Clouseau, you know him? Brother Halali you know him too? Sister Meera asked me, brother Naak, what does sister Bukhari mean when she says baaaa? Very good question, sister Meera. In chapter 24 of Dr. Mubashir Lucman’s book, ‘Apa Zubaida Ki Mazeydar Reciepes’ the esteemed walrus mustachioed author states, ‘goats are like human beings, but in some ways more human beings than animals especially in the Philippines that is actually FARTA’, is that not so brother Halali, mujahid, liberator, freedom fighter and man with a thicker beard than mine?

Hilali spokesperson: You call that a beard?

Zakir Naak: Yes, brother, what else should I call hair dangling from my chin? Spaghetti?

Hilali spokesperson: You look like a pious man. But why are you wearing Jew clothes?

Zakir Naak: Jew clothes, brother? I am wearing trousers, shirt and a jacket, brother.

Hilali spokesperson: Jew clothes. I’ll have to flog you too.

Zakir Naak: Brother, you don’t want to do that, as sister Bukhari asked brother Rana, why people are flogged, so sister to answer your question I …

WearTear Bukhari: I never asked you that, baaa.

Zakir Naak: I see, okay, as sister Bukhari did not ask me what I said she asked me but I’ll answer it nevertheless by quoting from Shoaib Akhtar’s book, ‘Controversially Yours,’ in which he says all fast bowlers temper with the ball, but is that right? Well, brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, in the light of faith, it is written in the latest edition of GQ magazine, page 8 article 4, that clothes have nothing to with one’s faith, especially western clothes worn by thin Asian men with hair dangling from their respective chins and …

Hilali spokesperson: Quiet! What sort of a peace committee is this? None of you is a true Muslim. No beards, thin beards, falling beards, uncovered wo-maans, Jew clothes, holy-book-carrying licensed gunrunners … you’re all infidels!

WearTear Bukhari: Baaa.

Hilali spokesperson: Okay, all except you.

WearTear Bukhari: Baaa.

Hilali spokesperson: You’re welcome. Inspector Suja Clouseau, I’m sorry, but we can’t have peace with 99 percent of the Pakistanis because they are not true Muslims. We’ll have to blow them up.

Inspector Suja Clouseau: Really? Well then, I guess we’ll have to finally announce that Halali Network is in FARTA after all, and …

Hilali spokesperson: Arey, arey Suja bhai, aap toh naraaz hogae. Ooo gulu gulu gulu gulu. I’m sure we can work something out …

Inspector Suja Clouseau: Right. Okay, gentlemen and wo-maans. I think you guys are done here. I’m sure you all know your way back from... errm .. The Philippines. Thank you for your co-operation and always remember to give peace a chance.

WearTear Bukhari: Baaa.

Inspector Suja Clouseau: Okay, you can stay.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and

Source: The Dawn, Karachi