By Nadeem F. Paracha
October 06, 2013
Drones are unmanned aircrafts. They are called unmanned because they are actually manned by women. So one can say drones are women-manned aircrafts. This is done to insult the conservative sensibilities of our brothers in the tribal areas where, of course, there are no women.
The first drone attack to take place in Pakistan was actually in 1024AD. It was fired by a Rajput stooge of the Jews on the army of Mahmud Ghaznavi who was liberating the Somnath temple from idols. He took away some gold as well which he duly distributed among the poor in what today is Dubai.
The first Pakistani to be hit by a drone was actually an innocent camel in North Waziristan. This made him very angry and as a result, he began to behave like a rampaging Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Drones were invented by the famous Jewish scientist, Albert Einstein when his equation, E=mc2, was successfully challenged and debunked by the famous Muslim physicist, Oreo Maqbool Biscuit in his equally famous book, ‘War and Peace’, co-written with nuclear scientist, alchemist and judo expert, Zaid Hamid in 1941.
When asked how a drone attack was possible in 1024AD, Oreo said it was a case of time travel. This, he said, was achieved when the reptilian Elders of Zion discovered a wormhole near Jerusalem that distorted the space-time continuum in the region and made the camels of that area very angry and militant. Thus, the invention of drones. He insists that he be given a Nobel Prize for this discovery.
Ever since 1024AD, drones have killed over three billion Pakistanis. It is strange how not a single non-Muslim Pakistani has ever been killed by a drone. So, to balance things out, the angry camels began to kill Christians. It was only fair.
Compared to the 3bn Pakistani Muslims killed by the drones, only 14 Pakistanis have been killed in suicide attacks by the angry camels. Such attacks are not at all common in Pakistan. In fact, the first ever suicide attack in the country took place only last Sunday and that too only because Pakistan is a country full of sinners and bad Muslims.
It is wrong to say that the Pakistan military is allowing the Americans to use drones in the country. The truth is that it is actually against the drones that the army is fighting and not against the so-called militants, who are simply innocent herdsmen. The truth is that it is the civilian government which is allowing the Americans to use drones — especially former President Zardari who is believed to own a number of drone factories in Switzerland.
On the other hand some liberal fascists are planning to set up drone factories on the moon on a large area that they illegally occupied by evicting poverty-stricken Uzbek and Chechen liberation fighters who wanted to liberate the moon from the tyranny of the descendants of Jewish astronaut, Neil Armstrong, who by the way, had converted to Islam.
But he turned out to be a bad Muslim, unlike Michael Jackson who turned out to be a good one, before he died in a drone attack. In Dubai!
The Government of Pakistan does not allow its greatest scientist — in fact, the world’s greatest scientist — Dr. A.Q. Skywalker, to develop the drone technology so Pakistan can make its own drones and kill innocent shepherds itself. In fact, the so-called militants are on record saying that they would rather be struck by a Pakistani drone than by an American one. Very patriotic people, they are.
The Pakistani drones will make sure that no innocent Pakistani (i.e. Muslim, of course) is killed. Only bad militants would be targeted which, till last count, were just two and they too were willing to repent after the inevitable success of the peace talks. Reports suggest that they had become bad militants because they’d been listening to John Lennon’s song, ‘Give Peace a Chance’ backwards.
If one listens to that song backwards one could clearly hear a cleverly masked message that says: ‘Garrble, garrble, woonok wonk bing donk.’ Very evil.
According to famous intellectual, revolutionary and very angry old man, Imran Khan, only one out of a million people living in Waziristan is a bad militant. That is a fact. And the blast that you just heard was actually caused by a gas cylinder explosion.
It is not true that Americans use drones to attack those militants that are out of our reach. This is an American lie. And that gas cylinder explosion you just heard is actually innocent civilians being struck by a drone missile.
It is a sad fact that some Pakistanis use more time protesting about trivial issues such as the misuse of the blasphemy law, rape cases and the 14 people who were killed in the only suicide attack that has ever taken place in this country, instead of protesting against the drones that have killed billions of Pakistanis.
But then, such misguided people are all alcoholics, drug addicts and believers of free sex, so one cannot expect them to speak out against the drones. They will all burn in hell.
The Americans are bribing the Chinese to make toy drones so they can be exported to Pakistan and given to Muslim children to play with. We should retaliate by asking the Chinese to make toy models of Imran Khan and Nawaz Sharif that say ‘stop drones, stop drones, stop drones’ every time a gas cylinder explosion kill civilians and soldiers.
Orders should also be placed for the making of revolutionary looking dolls (male, of course) whose features are a cross between Che Guevara, OBL and Lady Gaga. Comrade Tariq Ali can be used to market these dolls.
But Pakistan should make manned drones i.e. un-womaned drones manned by hunks, called hunk-manned drones.
Trained pilots should not be necessary for such drones. One’s Ghairat, patriotism and control over his daily flatulence cycle should be enough. We suggest handsome, ingenious and muscular hunks like Sangsar Abbasi to be given the honour of using these hunk-manned drones against the sissy women-manned American drones.
Last but not the least, the drones are also said to be the main cause of last year’s devastating floods in Pakistan and this year’s horrifying earthquake in Balochistan.
There is ample evidence to prove this. Some brilliant scholars at the Punjab University are close to proving the long-term effects of drone attacks. Apart from floods and earthquakes (in Muslim countries), the effects also include the spread of homosexuality, energy shortage, corruption, dengue fever, hair-loss and worst of all, Turkish soaps on local TV channels.
So beware, friends. It’s all ‘garrble, garrble, woonok wonk bing donk.’