By Humeira Kazmi
April 15, 2015
It isn’t rare for our politicians to make their people happy just by saying a few words or pulling off an old stunt. We’re gullible that way but for what it’s worth, there’s never a dull moment in our politics.
Just a few days ago, the media was going crazy over Hamza Ali Abbasi’s sizzler – I meant his dramatic resignation that stole all front-page space and Altaf Hussain’s limelight. It was fun while it lasted but now we have other, better things to talk about – like the Yemen war. And our Parliament’s stance regarding that.
It was a happy day when our elected representatives finally delivered and did something gutsy. They stood up to the Arab nations, with whatever little height they have, and declared that they wish to remain neutral on this war. Bravo! Even the Houbara Bustards broke into dance and song. Little did we know then, though, that happier news were in store.
This time the honour went to Ahl-e-Sunna-Wal-Jamat (pet name: Sipah Sahaba; only their close friends call them that or else they get mad and start blowing up in your face – all puns intended).
ASWJ retaliated with their usual rants on how religion is threatened by this stance and how “We have to give unconditional support to Saudi Arabia to save the honour of Ummul Momineen Hazrat Ayesha Siddiqa. We will not allow anyone to disrespect the Haramain Sharifain.”
I have to say I spent a good thirty seconds trying to establish a connection between the current conflict in Yemen and the honour of Bibi Ayesha. I found none because there is none. Neither are the Haramain Sharifain located in Yemen that it might threaten the honour of those buildings. It was once again ASWJ being ASWJ. They rarely say stuff that makes sense and I was about to dismiss the news as just another word vomit when the reality of their statement sunk in.
“If our government does not take the decision, we will go to Saudi Arabia, just like Ameer Ansar Ul Ummah Fazal-ur-Rehman Khalil went to Afghanistan,” Mualana Ludhianvi, ASWJ chief, said.
They’ll leave? Voluntarily? Bring me my firecrackers, Jarvis!
I have never seen the vast majority of people react so positively to anything ASWJ has ever said before. It’s been two days since the news made it out from Ludhianvi’s microphone to our TV/Facebook/twitter and the euphoria is unexplainable.
People are praying for their sound departure (emphasis on departure). Many are looking to buy them tickets (one-way, of course). Many more have started working on placards that say ‘ASWJ: Heaven Awaits You’ or ‘ASWJ for Martyrdom! Send to Kingdom!’ or ‘Qadam Barhao ASWJ, Airport Is That Way’.
A few are thinking of setting up a new Facebook page that’ll promise a 1000 likes for anyone signing up to support ASWJ’s departure to the Holy Land (and heavens; God willing). On twitter, #NeverReturn is the new hot hashtag.
In addition to all these efforts, appeals are being made far and wide – to the government and the people in general – to not miss this golden opportunity of cleansing the country off this creed that has raised hell on earth. At this point, it would be really nice if Amir Liaqat would step up and design the ultimate Jihadi gear in his light-as-feather lawn with easy-on-the-eyes prints as a gesture of goodwill for these departing souls. In fact, somebody buy him a ticket too to go with them.
There is one problem, however, that stems from the fact that Saudi Arabia, out of its small-minded arrogance, has refused to give our aircraft carriers the permission to land at their airports. I hear efforts are being made on a private level to counter this issue. Pakistani travel agents have generational experience in illegal immigration. ASWJ agents can always travel via ferryboats. It wouldn’t hurt to do some duty-free shopping on the way to jihad. Or they can travel by land taking their traditional route via Afghanistan.
I think the government must not only take said statement by ASWJ seriously but must take every possible measure to ensure that this happens. Fly them, smuggle them, give them a camel ride, shoot them out of a cannon so they land right in the middle of the Arabian Desert – the possibilities are endless!
It’s time the chickens went home.
Humeira Kazmi blogs about life, writing life, and her own books. Humor is the key ingredient in her pieces.